Lost: One Magical Leg/ Dignity

There is not much to be angry about when it comes to this amazing news story:

Attackers Chop Off Man's "Magic" Leg

Why I chose to blog this story is simply because a very similar situation once occurred in my life; It involved the "Lucky" fetus my now ex-wife was carrying.

What made this child so lucky was the fact that it managed to fight its way through a condom, it also managed to fight off the attack dogs of a little "Pink Pill." So obviously we thought: "Holy Shit that is one lucky baby!" Next thing you know my wife is winning 35 bucks on a scratch and win lottery ticket, managing to avoid serious injury after being "pushed" in front of a bus and finally because of the child she also managed to avoid ever finding a real job and earning her keep.

Okay now you may be saying: "Well okay, but this all just seems like coincidence." And you could very well be right in that respect, however the truly remarkable thing about this baby is the fact that during the night, after much thought and planning I hit my wife real hard in the stomach and collected the baby Jello in a mason jar while she slept. Now before you light your torches and crucify me; Know that this fricken kid would just not die! It continued to gestate in the mason jar! It grew and grew and eventually became a very productive member of society. That is until at the age of 11 little Mason "fell" down some stairs and died.

Feel free to light those torches now.

-Chet Biggenston

Coca Cola invented Santa?

Every X Mass this topic will inevitably come up. You will be sitting around with your family, exchanging gifts, getting in fights, or sitting in awkward silence (whatever your family is in to) and someone will blurt out: "You know, Coca Cola invented Santa Clause!" What? Fuck off! They will then elaborate: "Well they invented the modern image of Santa Clause." Oh, well that sounds slightly more plausible.

We all remember those classic Coca Cola advertisements featuring Santa sipping on a tasty bottle of Coke, maybe they did invent the modern image? I will admit that there was a time that I believed this myself. It's very easy to believe something when so many people will tell you that it is true. I mean they heard it from a friend of a friend so it must be true, right? Wrong! You will find with the aid of a quick Goggle search, that Coca Cola invented Santa Claus no more than they invented polar bears!

The modern image of Santa Claus is an amalgamation of two older characters, St. Nicholas, the adorable little Elf from the poem "'Twas The Night Before Christmas", and Kriss Kringle (aka. Christkindlein), the child like gift bringer of Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

In 1881 a man named Thomas Nast drew a picture of Santa Clause for the cover of Harpers Weekly (right). This is considered to be the creation of the modern image of Santa Claus. This picture however was not in color, so some might say "Well it was Coca Cola who made him wear a red suit." Wrong again! J. C. Leyendecker drew an image of Santa Claus for the cover of the Saturday Evening Post (left) depicting a fat man with a white beard in a red suit, the same basic image of Santa we have come to know today. Published in December of 1923, this image predates the Coca Cola Santa Clause ad campaign by about seven years!

Since this blog is suppose to be about being angry, I'm going to finish this off by saying: Quit fucking telling people that Coca Cola invented Santa! Coca Cola did not invent fucking Santa Clause!!!

Merry X Mass!




Sources:
http://www.billcasselman.com/xmas_items/nast_santa_designer_xmas_2007_expanded.htm
http://www.curtispublishing.com/List/html/LeyendeckerMayer.html
http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/santa.asp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca_cola

Dog: Man's Worst Enemy.

I have recently discovered we have a lot to fear in what I once thought to be "man's best friend."

http://www.sheldrake.org/papers/Animals/dogvideo_abs.html

A man named Rupert Sheldrake undeniably proves that Dogs are psychic. His results are stunning. Jaytee (a dog) would wait at a window occasionally when his owner was on her way home, and not so much when the owner was not on its way home. Check Mate my friends. How the fuck can you argue with facts like that?

Now some of you may find this cute and kind of endearing, I however, do not. This scares the shit out of me, okay great the dog "telepathically" knows when I am on my way home, is it such a stretch to think that the dog will then move on to "telepathically" MAKING me come home? Or making it known when he has to go out to relieve himself? Or "telepathically" suggesting to me that he needs to eat? Or maybe just maybe "telepathically" suggesting I kill the President??

Do you see where I am going here? This shit is terrifying.

But what the hell do I know? I am a 25 year old Divorceay. Fuck You.
-Chet Biggenston

Rectangular Box, 4 Weels: Cosby Kid Surprised.

Now this being my first post here, it may have been nice to do a little introduction and try to talk about something a little more current. However I chose not to.

This may be weeks old now but I still find it hilarious.



First off; Jim Callahan is my fuckin' hero. This man has made a name for himself by telling people he can talk to the dead and he goes on to prove this by recieveing fellatio from said spirit. He does this for roughly two and a half minutes, while the audience sits in awkward silence waiting for him to climax. A buzzer sounds (which could have been taken directly from a "Get Smart" re-run) and he is finished. Next; Raven Symone (A Cosby Kid) looks shocked and amazed, gets a little winded and makes very sure to tell everyone in the audience no one contacted her or had any access to the box at any point.

Bullshit!

If you want me or anyone to believe this kind of thing, please choose a less obvious routine. Who knows? Maybe she really didn't have any contact with anyone and no one did see the contents of the box, but that stupid statement completely destroys any credibility you may have had! BAH!

Oh and I guess Criss Angel does something kinda funny at the end as well.

But what do I know? I am a 25 year old Divorceay. Fuck You.
-Chet Biggenston

Father kills daughter for using brain.

A 16 year old Toronto girl was killed by her Muslim father because she refused to wear a hijab. A hijab is one of thoes head and body coverings Islamic women are required to wear for some reason.

This is a clear example of how religion is downright evil. This man's daughter did not want to wear the loose fitting, concealing hijab. She wanted to wear tight fitting, revealing clothing like the rest of the girls in her school, and why shouldn't she? In fact, what man would even make a rule that would prohibit women from wearing short skirts, and low tops?

But, her father had been brainwashed into believing that women are second class citizens, and should be forced to wear these unattractive frocks. He believes in it so strongly, that when his daughter defies him, he strangles her with his bare hands.

Because of her families ignorance, she is dead.

Belief.net: Inspiration. Spirituality. Faith. Ignorance.

I was sitting at home drinking my delicious Yop, when I thought to myself..."What are the creationist views on intelligent life?" So I Google searched it and I was led to a site entitled Belief.net where I read the article "Bible Leaves No Room for Extraterrestrial Life" So, I read the article, calmly drinking my strawberry yop until I reached the line
"evolutionists have not succeeded in showing how nonliving matter can jump the many hurdles required to form living cells" Needless to say my monitor was dripping with delicious yogurt. I was floored and pissed, and now I write.
I was initially ready to yell at the screen hoping someone over at the belief.net camp would hear me and say "oh, well I guess we were wrong. Time to pack up and move on to more productive avenues." and the site would be forever shut down, but I realized that I wasn't really sure if there was any science to back me up, and, as always, there was.

The process is called abiogenesis, which means "Spontaneous origination of living organisms directly from lifeless matter" The above chart (taken from this link) is a simplified version of the dichotomy between how creationists and scientists see abiogenesis. Clearly someone is missing out. My money is on the creationist croud, as they've proven time and time again that they are either misinformed or worse under informed. You'd think that if you're going to take on evolution (I must stress abiogenesis is not evolution) you might learn something about it first, although I believe that if any magical thinker were to actually understand the process, they might just blow a gasket and rethink the bull shit they subscribe to...not in this life.
This is especially true in the Kitzmiller Vs. Dover trials. If you want to learn about that waste of tax dollars head on over to PBS NOVA and watch the doc "Judgment Day:Intelligent Design On Trial" or read up on it at Wiki.
It's basically a case closed event on the whole teaching Intelligent design in a classroom. Fuck knows what they wanted to teach, I think it was basically a veil so that they could infiltrate science classes and discredit evolution. Fortunately the universe being "Intelligently designed" doesn't really lend itself well to a lesson plan, so the trial came up Darwin on that one.

The point is that because someone may not understand how abiogenesis works, doesn't mean that it doesn't. For ages scientists thought the earth was flat now we understand that it's not. Science is an enormous learning curve and in order to keep heading along that curve we have to ask the questions first. Religion would have us be content in knowing that god makes everything work in mysterious ways, and that he made us and only us in his image.
If that was how things worked I'd throw myself off the roof of a skyscraper right into the path of a Mack truck. I couldn't imagine a world where we never asked questions about the universe, and I don't want to imagine a universe where we're alone. What would keep us going? We would probably die off out of sheer boredom.

So it seems that other intelligent life is incompatible with scripture and religious doctrine. That is seriously retarded. Why would god create an unimaginably enormous universe, then make it finite, then fill it with billions upon billions of star filled galaxies, surround those stars with supposedly lifeless planets, then on the sixth day picks a planet at random and plops a dude down on it?
I bet the Christian god is made fun of by all of the other deities. "Hey Jehovah, why's your universe so empty? I bet you rushed and made it in like a week" Kinda like that delinquent in biology class who always sat at the back of the room and slept.
If creation were an exam, God would've flunked it. Perhaps this is one of those rare times when the church amends their ridiculous doctrine and includes, oh I don't know, the rest of the universe! At least recognize it's there and then give god credit for for making it so empty and worthless, but that'd be questioning his fallibility and we can't have any of those pesky questions now can we.

In conclusion the universe is more then likely teeming with life and you'd have to be an ignorant schmuck fundie to think otherwise.

Oh and Belief.net sucks.

-Beaker

Yet another personal war, this time it's commercialism.

Commercials of late have become long strings of bad punch lines. They do this because they think that if they can make us laugh then we're hooked. What they don't know is that we don't go to our TV's so we can be updated on the newest of useless products, but because we want to escape the bordem that is our lives, and commercials are just reminders of all the things we have to do once we hit that power button thus transitioning our consciousness back to reality. That's why we channel surf everytime our favorite shows fade to black, we can't stand seeing ourselves buying that new car or shopping at a grocery store and that's why commercials never truly work, because deep down we abhore them. We know that despite its innocuousness there's still that message beneath it all saying "Buy our product!" and you know that you're just another number on a pie chart to them.
You're probably all wondering where the skeptical bits are in this. Is this just another editorial from a pissed off liberal? Well first of all screw you, I am hardly liberal. Secondly I enjoy capitalism as much as the next guy, but I can't stand when corporations lie to you so that you'll buy their products.
I recently saw a commercial for some grocery store, where a lady walks up to the seafood counter in some brand x hypothetical super mega grocery mart and orders a speckled trout. The man hands her the fish and watches her as she begins to leave, then says something to the effect of "would you like some tires with that fish?" she looks at him oddly then sidles away. Then we get hit with the tag line "Keep shopping simple." or something. Bare with me here I'm operating on memory.
The point is this...has anyone ever...ever had this problem? Has anyone ever pandered tires to you as you purchase your standard speckled trout? NO. It hasn't. It will never happen because there isn't a grocery store in the world that would have fish and auto parts in the same department. If there is I stand corrected but I'm willing to bet there isn't. I know the really big places can have groceries, clothes electronics etc. but this kind of thing will never happen to anyone, and that my dear readers is a false premise.
They intentially and knowingly lied so that they could make their punch line and hook you, based solely on how charming they are. Shit forbid they have a quality product to sell, but who needs quality when you've got a douche bag sense of humour.
Look here's a monkey stealing a wopper from a dude...hilarious! Now here's a stick of chewing gum with a scottish accent...scottish accent? Well that's inherently funny, I'll take ten.

Intellectually dishonest marketing tactics should be made illegal, and replaced with ads that are truthful and include warnings on the products if they're at all hazordous to your health. For instance you could have a kid really enjoying a mars bar as most of us would but then you could make him toothless and three hundred pounds, and the tag line could be "Mars, delicious, but monitor your eating habits, or you could end up like Billy" then a final shot of the chubby kid with chocolate smeared across his face and sporting a gummy grin.

Commercials lie and make us stupid. Turn your TV off for the two minutes between brakes or pay the price of ignorance.

-Beaker